I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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