Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
