The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
