her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
