she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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