yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
