Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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