Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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