You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He kissed a someone with a penis
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
