what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
