her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
