Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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