You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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