Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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