ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Randomize
