Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
