why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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