I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
