Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
