I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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