We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
