Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
