We're facebook friends in real life
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
