My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
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