I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
