No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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