I'm lost and stupid without you.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
