You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
