I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
