i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
