I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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