Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
