The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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