Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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