I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
