So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
