Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
