If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
