I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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