You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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