Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
