My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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