i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
