Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
