So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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