Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
