Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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