Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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