bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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