rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Did I show you my penis last night?
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
