I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
